What Makes Us Human
by koyasufan
Summary: The cracks in Schuldig's own outer facade have a result that even he's not ready to deal with. It's only when his mind connects the emotions between two unrelated events that the guilt over what he's done hits.


_Insert standard disclaimers here. Not mine, never will be._

_Notes: Minor spoilers for episodes 12 and 13. Fic takes place between "The Devil and His Kitten" and "Falling Into Nothing"._

_Edited 12/29/04 for minor formatting issues _

**What Makes Us Human**

It was raining again.

Birman took another look out of the window of her apartment and the water hitting the glass before glancing back at the man sleeping on her couch.

Schuldig. Luck had brought him here, he had told her, and he saw her name on the mailbox in the main lobby downstairs. He had been beaten up but wouldn't tell her why or how. She just knew that he wanted some place safe to sleep for a few hours. It wasn't like she could have refused him the way he had looked at her. She almost likened it to the look that the sleek blue cat sleeping on the back of the couch had given her the day she found him in an alley.

'Take me home. Please? I won't be trouble. I promise.'

She frowned a bit. Her tendency to pick up strays had already nearly gotten her in trouble once...and it wasn't the cat that was the problem.

She had come across Yohji in a similar alley nearly four years ago. He was dying when she found him. Dying and sobbing over a woman that was long gone. She managed to get him to a hospital, and then into Kritiker's care. Two years passed before she saw him again, when Persia transferred him back into her care and into Weiß.

Yohji hadn't forgotten his 'guardian angel' in that time. And he set out to seduce her in every way he knew. But she knew that he wasn't serious in the way that she wanted. Not that he would have 'gotten bored' with her necessarily, but Yohji was Yohji. In the end, neither of them could have been happy even if he _had_ wanted more than to find his way to her bed.

Schuldig murmured in his sleep as she watched him, and then shifted, rolling onto his side to face the back of the couch. Birman smiled faintly, shaking out the lightweight blanket in her arms as she walked over to him. She caught a glimpse of the swollen area on his cheek that was only just starting to bruise as she spread the blanket over him. He stirred again, and murmured something unintelligible that almost sounded like a cry of pain.

Birman stared at him for a moment. It was easy to forget that he worked for the brother of her own boss with the way he was sleeping. He seemed quiet, almost peaceful but for that occasional muttering that sounded like he was in pain. She didn't know how badly he was actually hurt, of course. If that bruise was anything to go by, he could very well have been hurt worse than he had told her.

The red-head curled up closer into the back of the couch, leaving her a little bit of space to sit down near his feet. It didn't escape her--the fact that he was the enemy, and she was sitting here worrying about his health. She had gotten to care about him, though. She couldn't deny that. He was persistent, and that persistence had finally worn through her defenses. She wasn't quite sure that she was ready to admit that, but it had.

It was odd that she didn't even notice it happening. She had pushed Yohji away before he had had that chance. He was at least on the right side.

Maybe that was why she didn't notice the cracks Schuldig had made in her defenses, she mused as she rested her head on the back of the couch. She hadn't even expected him to.

But that was only partially true. She hadn't expected him to be so persistent for the reasons that he was. She had expected the ulterior motive to his attentions--that was always a possibility, and one of the reasons that she never let herself get too close. But he always seemed so content when he was with her. His smile and his laugh were real when he was around her.

A smile touched her lips with that memory. Just seeing that smile was worth it.

**xxxxx**

Schuldig blinked his eyes open slowly. It was still raining out--he could hear the water hitting the glass of the window, and it must have been a particularly loud clap of thunder that brought him out of sleep. There was a blanket over him, and he felt something at his feet when he tried to roll onto his back.

He lifted his head enough to see the dark haired woman that owned the apartment asleep at his feet. It didn't look like she could possibly be comfortable in that position. He winced as he tried to sit up some so that he could pull his feet away from her without disturbing her. No sense in disturbing her if he could help it. Something told him that she needed sleep more than he did.

She shifted a bit as he pulled out the foot that was completely trapped under her body. He heard her murmur before reaching a hand up to rub at her eye. So much for not disturbing her.

There was another loud thunderclap that pulled her awake enough to open her eyes. "Sorry, kitten, didn't try to do that," he muttered his apology as he sat up. She rubbed at her eyes for a few more moments. "Go back to sleep. I was just headed out."

"Sure? Welcome to stay if you want," she returned groggily.

"Mmm...we both know that's probably a bad idea." He grinned, shifting closer to her on the couch. "I'll lock the door behind me. You just go back to sleep." He leaned in to touch his lips to hers in a light goodnight kiss and was almost surprised when she returned the touch. No, not surprised that she returned it, he corrected himself. He was surprised at the feelings behind it. He pulled back, resting a hand against her cheek. "You know that I'm a killer, kitten. Feeling safe when I touch you is dangerous."

"Maybe, maybe not. Would you hurt me like this? Come into my apartment under false pretenses to make me drop my guard and then kill me? I'd like to think you'd at least let me face my fate after what you've said."

Schuldig smiled at those words, one of those rare smiles that actually came from his heart. "For you, I'd do that. But it won't ever come to it, if I can help it," he murmured, first touching a kiss to the tip of her nose, then wincing in pain as he shifted in a way that he probably shouldn't have.

Birman frowned a bit. He could almost feel the concern in her thoughts. "What happened to you?"

He laughed, the movement causing another wince. "Nothing. Just...the risks of the job." He sank back against the couch, a hand pressed lightly against his side. It hurt to breathe too deeply, he realized. Probably bruised some ribs. Didn't feel like he broke anything. "Damn psychopath...never thinking of the consequences of what he does." The words were out before he realized he was speaking them. A quick glance at his companion told him that she had heard it.

Birman shifted a bit, then pushed herself off of the couch and to her feet. "So what happened?" she asked as she started towards the area that was the apartment's kitchen. A faint mew was the only warning Schuldig had of the cat that hopped off the back of the couch and across his body before following her. "Are you hungry, Takeshi?" There was another mew as the cat pranced in front of her. "Let me take care of our guest first, hmm?"

Schuldig smiled at the interaction between the cat and his mistress. Takeshi--the same name as the boy that was killed. The character used for the name meant 'brave' if he remembered his lessons with Nagi well enough.

Brave.

"One of my teammates did something foolish, so I got to take his punishment along with him. Forgot I was his keeper..." He fell silent and just watched her. The cat was on the counter, batting at her arm and forcing her to pay him attention or else risk breaking the glass she was trying to get out of the cupboard.

Something on the kitchen counter caught his eye. It was a figurine, or possibly a doll, in a snow-white outfit, and posed as if frozen in the middle of a dance. It was something so whimsical in the midst of what he had first seen to be such a spartan apartment. But then, he had been exhausted when he got here, and the decoration of the place hadn't been his first concern. He tilted his head to look around at what he had missed.

Memories of a lost childhood. That was the feeling he got as he spotted the little items hidden but not. The battered teddy bear that was sitting on the floor beside the table near the door. A poster of some cartoon character that he didn't recognize immediately at the corner of a short hall that led to the bathroom. A model horse on the desk near the window where she did her work.

His telepathy carried a small amount of empathy. He didn't have it in the strength of a true empath, but it was there. There was enough emotion in this room alone that he could pick it up. It made him almost wish that he could have held onto a happy memory of his own childhood...

There was a glass of water in front of his face suddenly, and it pulled him back to reality. "Since I don't have a penny, how 'bout a hundred yen for your thoughts?" the dark haired woman holding it asked as she sat down beside him. He realized she was holding both the glass and a couple of pills in the other hand when he looked over at her.

There was a feeling of guilt that shot through him when he looked at her. If those men had killed her...if he had never had the chance to meet her...?

The telepath shook his head, a sad smile touching his lips before he leaned towards her to press a light kiss to her forehead. "My thoughts cost more than that. Unfortunately, I don't think I'm in any shape to accept your payment right now." He plucked the glass and pills out of her hands, downing them both before sending her an image from his own dreams.

"Pervert," she growled under her breath, ducking her head so that her hair would hide the multiple shades of red that she felt herself blushing.

He grinned as he set the glass down on the low table in front of the couch. "Of course I am. I have to have some fun."

His expression saddened again as he remembered the last twenty-four hours. He hadn't felt any pain when it happened. When Farfarello had killed the girl, there was no remorse for the action. No remorse that he hadn't moved to stop the other man. The only pain he had felt until this point was the physical one caused by Takatori's beating. Things had never connected like this for him before. For everyone he killed or forced another to kill, there was someone who would cry for them. Someone who would cry that they were gone.

"Shu?"

The single word brought him out of the thoughts in his head. "I can only imagine how he feels right now. Even though she was his sister, he cared for her." He paused, the self-confident air that surrounded him breaking apart with every word. "I don't know why I came here, Kyoko. It wasn't for this, but now that I'm here, I can't help but see what I've done..."

He felt a hand rest on his back as her chin leaned on his shoulder. "And just what did you do?"

"Took someone away from someone that they were very important to. No, I didn't do it personally, but I didn't stop it." He paused, turning to wrap his arms around her body and pull her in close. "I took away their reason to smile. And right now, I'm realizing how they must feel. I never felt like that before...always just a job..."

He felt her arms wrap around his shoulders, but she didn't say anything. Was she condemning him in her mind? He could have easily found that out if he wanted. He wasn't sure that would have been wise, though.

He buried his face against her hair. "I don't know why it bothers me now; never did before."

_Because you're remembering what it is to be human..._

The thought hadn't been spoken, but he had managed to hear it without trying.

_No, I'm remembering what it's like to have something special to protect. Something that makes me smile just because it's near me. _His response, like the thought that it was to, was silent. He lifted his head to look at her then, his eyes reflecting sadness in spite of the smile on his lips. He pressed his mouth to her ear. "Maybe I will stay for the night," he murmured as the rain increased its attack on the window.

_Owari_


End file.
